Some people believe that acceptance means being passive to injustices or situations that are unfair. For years, I held this belief. It doesn’t mean that. Instead, it means accepting the situation as it is in this moment, while working in a positive and loving way to make it better. Oftentimes when we try to right a wrong or improve things, our mind or ego leads the charge which can result in obsessive thinking, ruminating, complaining, judging, and withholding love and kindness. This is what we mean when we say “the fight within yourself”. This behavior, often unconscious, creates suffering for you and others. While this is certainly one way to interact with the situation, there is a different way. The latter involves consciously choosing to be grateful, loving, and kind as you intelligently work to make situations better. And if there is no action that can be taken, practice acceptance here too. When acceptance is practiced it brings peace.
suffering
We often change try to change people. This was certainly true for Keith. For many years, he was constantly trying to improve people. This was a classic case of the ego at work. Despite good intentions, trying change people is a recipe for suffering. To be clear, this is different from wanting the best for people. Trying to change them often involves acting to improve them without their consent or partnership. This behavior has adversely affected Keith and Rick personally and in their relationships with others. Listen as they share that the key to changing people is with them. Understanding this, Rick and Keith choose to accept people just as they are, while trying to stay on their own path of being kind, peaceful, and loving.
Guest Jen Drost joins Keith to chat about their mental health journey and what they do to stay healthy and resilient. Mental health is serious. If you are struggling, please seek the support and care of a licensed mental healthcare professional.
The ego creates external enemies in the form of people and life situations. This kind of mindset brings constant suffering. In this podcast, Rick and Keith share how to be free of an ego-driven mindset.
Keith’s Mentions:
Emotional leverage is using negative emotions to fuel our desire for change. We transform negative energy into something constructive. We move from victimhood to empowerment. We finally take control of your life. But what makes someone pull the lever? Most of the time it happens when people hit rock bottom. When we feel like we can’t go any deeper and there is nothing left to lose.
While it’s normal to want to be liked and accepted, it’s dangerous when we become addicted to approval. When validation becomes a habit of wanting to be a super human, above criticism we will keep wanting more of it. It’s a chase that never ends. And the ego loves. When I was in this trap I was the most insecure. I was so used to being praised for my looks that it became an integral part of my false identity.
I was dating with my ego instead of my heart. While the heart seeks the comfort and contentment of validation, my ego only wanted approval and compliments. I never stopped to ask myself if I actually liked these women; the only thing I cared about was if they adored my looks.
Overcoming my ego is a lifelong battle. It never ends. It is with us as long as we live. My personal practice is to keep an eye on why I am doing whatever I am doing. Awareness is the beginning of becoming free of the ego because then I can realize that my thoughts—and the negative emotions they produce—are dysfunctional and unnecessary. Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/eckhart-tolle-on-how-to-free-yourself-from-your-ego-armor#ixzz5jK06wYqa
Rick’s Mentions:
Our ego resists change. It doesn’t like to take risks and move into new territory. The ego likes it comfortable and predictable. Even if it makes us feel bad, or we know we could do better and be happier, the ego prefers the status quo, falsely affirming it is best to keep doing whatever we are doing. The ego enslaves us to false opinions about ourselves and others. Changing can feel like dying—or that we are without a compass or life vest– because we are outside the comfort safety zone the ego wants us to stay in.
My problem was wanting to be in control but looking to others for feedback about how I was doing. There are two types of people in the world: people who believe they are in control of their lives (internal locus of control) and people who believe life is happening to them (external locus of control). I was the latter. My validation seeking caused me to pick the wrong women, wrong cases, wrong ways to spend/manage money.
People who have an internal locus of control are happier and more successful compared to the people who have an external locus of control. According to some studies, folks who had shown an internal locus of control at the age of ten were less likely to be overweight at age thirty, less likely to describe their health as poor, or show high levels of psychological stress. Researchers explained that children with a more internal locus of control behave more healthily as adults because they have greater confidence in their ability to influence outcomes through their own actions. They may also have higher self-esteem.
Bottom line: We can’t control what other people think, say or do. We are only responsible for our own thoughts and actions. When we make this mental shift, our life course will completely change (for the better).
Transparency and vulnerability are important keys for me in battling my ego, and my huge need to have people like me. When I unload the fantasy of perfection, forget looking good or avoiding looking bad life is better. I practice every day just choosing to be what I am, accepting and loving what I have and let the good times roll.
In this episode, Rick and Keith share how to bring mindfulness to every problem in life. When you do, you accept the situation just as it is and take intelligent action, if there’s any action to be taken. The situations go from being sources of suffering to openings for presence and deeper consciousness.
Keith’s Mentions:
Lanny Bassham
It doesn’t matter if you win or lose… until you lose. That is how Olympic Rifle Shooting Champion Lanny Bassham begins his book, With Winning in Mind, the most authoritative book available on mental training for sports and competitive business environments. The book tells the tale of a competitor who understands the feeling of losing. Bassham lost the Gold Medal and took the Silver instead after the pressure of the competition went to his head during the 1972 Olympic Games in Munich. In With Winning in Mind, Bassham paints a picture for readers of just why this loss was so devastating for him. Losing mattered and it hurt! But Bassham explains that he wasn t about to walk away defeated and he sets off on a journey to find out everything he can about how the mind is involved in sport and performance. What he discovered will amaze you! His discovery lead to the creation of Mental Management Systems and brought Bassham to the Olympic victory stand just 4 years later in 1976 with his Olympic Gold Medal win in Montreal.
Olympians, coaches, parents, performers, and business professionals find success in the winner s circle. Now the 3rd Edition of With Winning in Mind includes new chapters, new stories and examples, and 25 percent more mind enhancing content as the last edition of the book. “Over the years there have been times where I have thought to myself, gosh, I wish I had put that in With Winning in Mind. Well now I have,” says Bassham.
Brian Johnson
The best Big Ideas from 500 of the greatest personal-growth books at your fingertips (and eyes and ears). Beautiful to look at and powerful to use, these mini-CliffsNotes of personal growth will inspire and empower you to live your deepest truths—giving you more wisdom in less time.
Brian Johnson’s Optimize.me makes sense and is perfect for on-the-go folks who need an occasional reminding that they have the ability to solve their own problems, and can do so effortlessly starting with being mindful.
Brian is a serial-entrepreneur, deep-thinker, relentless-reader and modern-day philosopher. Try his book summaries on Faster To Master, or, you may love his “Philosopher’s Notes“. Optimal Living 101 is his key course and along with his advanced, Master Classes. They’re a synthesis of all he’s read and discovered. They’re a mishmash of principles and methods to live by.
Rick’s Mentions:
Buddhism teaches that the cause of all of our suffering comes from ego—wanting things to be our way. Understanding egolessness or selflessness is the key to healing our personal wounds and relationships. We tend to cling to our belief in a solid “I” out of a fear of groundlessness. This is a futile and false attempt to create some security. Ha! There is no security in life, sorry. Clinging to this made up illusion of self, we close down on who we really are and the options life offers. The experience of selflessness opens us up from the claustrophobia of self-centeredness into the spaciousness of possibility and connection.
The ego loves black and white. The ego loves to judge and put others down because it elevates our ego. To see the world in black and white will bring us down. This outlook divides the world into right versus wrong, good versus evil, yes versus no. We like this kind of thinking because it is easy, we are lazy and does not require analysis. If (whatever) falls in the black category it is bad, end of inquiry. Black and white thinking is the ultimate sign of small mindedness. It does not serve us because it ignores the fundamental truth that the world is nuanced and predominantly gray. And changing all the time.
“Wabi Sabi.” Japanese concept that escapes accurate and direct translation but roughly means the appreciation for things that are impermanent, incomplete, disheveled. Beauty is in things imperfect. There is vulnerability and a kind of honesty in beat up or ignored things that is usually overlooked, in favor of the sleek, expensive, new, and seemingly perfect. It is a sensibility that encourages humility, respect for the stages of life and the natural world.
The details matter. Whether it be in the paint strokes of a work of art or the way in which you practice your craft, the details matter if you care about quality. The same applies to your life. Listen to Keith and Rick share how you can stay present to the details so you live your best life.