Keith JonesJanuary 3, 2016

As human beings, we are constantly telling people who we are by what we say. Sometimes it’s good and other times it’s not so good. In psychology, this theory is called Psychological Projection, also known as blame shifting. It’s when humans defend themselves against their own unpleasant impulses by denying their existence while attributing them to others.

The good in someone is expressed when they are being compassionate, unconditionally loving and supportive. The dark side of them comes out when they judge people, make them wrong and deny they have the same traits they accuse someone else of having. We all do this.

I have projected my good and bad traits on people. When I’ve seen people do acts of kindness for friends and strangers, it’s inspired me. And if a person empathizes with someone going through challenges, I am touched by their ability not to judge, but rather support them unconditionally. My ability to see their goodness is me projecting my good traits on to them. All the good I see in them is really the good within me.

The bad traits I’ve projected include blaming and judging. Every time I have found fault in other people, whether it’s how they look, act or live their lives, I projected my unclaimed negative traits onto them. When I’ve called people liars, cheaters or quitters, I have ignored times in which I’ve lied, cheated or quit. Most people who judge cheaters think they’re not one because they haven’t cheated on anyone in a relationship. They may have not cheated on their significant other, but if they look honestly, they may have cheated on their taxes or taken advantage of someone else to get ahead. They took money for a job they didn’t complete or didn’t give their best work to a project. If someone says I hate liars, they deny the lies they’ve told to their children or friends about their past or to themselves when it comes to keeping promises about being financially healthy, losing weight or being a great friend.

Projecting is less about the act. It’s really about the traits that drive the behavior. When you understand what a person might be experiencing to do what they do, you make it easy to have empathy for them and yourself. For example, when I see someone who gossips and talks negatively about other people, my first impulse is to judge them. I think, “How can they talk about people with all the mistakes they’ve made? How can they judge them when they’ve done something similar?” This is classic projection. It’s asking how could someone do something like this rather than what would drive a person to act this way? And when have I done this? The “how” is rooted in judgment and blame. The latter question is grounded in compassion and empathy. The answer to that question is a person who gossips and talks about others comes from a place of judgment and seeing how they think and act as the right way to behave and anyone who doesn’t conform is wrong at best, and evil at worst. Now, have I ever judged a person for how they acted or behaved and talked about them to others? I certainly have. Once I acknowledge this, I refrain from judging the person gossiping. I see myself in them and I extend them grace for being human.

Happiness comes with every positive projection. Anger, blame, guilt, shame and victimhood are on the other side of negative ones. I am clear that I want to experience joy and bliss so I work hard not to project my unclaimed traits on to people. If you want to live a happy life, acknowledge your projections both good and bad. Understand that when you see something you don’t like in someone else, it’s your stuff not theirs.

As human beings, we are imperfect. Know that your projections tell who you really are. Do good, project good.

Keith