Keith JonesDecember 20, 2015

For years I have worked at seeing the good in every person and situation. I’ve applied the mindset that nothing happens to me, it happens for me. This includes people and challenges that may seem bad on the surface. This way of thinking has served me well. I rarely take things personally or blame people for things that don’t go my way. And as a result of years of practice, this way of thinking is mostly second nature. But that’s not good enough. I want it to be automatic all the time. This got me to thinking about what is preventing it from being this way. Then the answer came to me. It’s my ego, the enemy within.

The ego has been defined as “the worst confidence trickster”. It’s a con artist that says, “I am you.” Dr. Peter Fongay, Freud Memorial Director of Analysis says, “The problem is the ego hides in the last place you would ever think to look. It hides within you.” “It disguises its thoughts as your thoughts, its feelings as your feelings.” says, Leonard Jacobson, Founder of the Conscious Living Foundation. And to protect the ego, people will do anything. Dr. Andrew Samuels, Professor of Analytical Psychology at the University of Essex, says, “People’s need to protect their own ego knows no bounds. They will lie cheat, steal, kill, do whatever it takes to maintain ego boundaries.” When I learned this I felt like I had been given an incredible gift. I now knew how to distinguish my true self from the part of me that sabotages all that I care about to protect itself.

Upon learning what the ego is, a person’s first impulse is to identify people who they feel allowed their ego to hurt them in some way. This is your ego making you think people wronged you. Remember, it tricks you into thinking its thoughts are your thoughts. The more powerful way forward is to reflect on the countless ways your ego has sabotaged your life, goals and relationships.

My ego burned down some of the most important things I’ve cared about. I made self-serving choices rooted in selfishness, all the while blaming someone else for the outcome. By making enemies out of people who are on their own journey, it’s distracted me from diligently working on my own life plan and goals. When I failed to keep my commitments and promises to be my best, honor my health and body, my ego was there to give me a handy excuse. When people have tried to help me in areas of my life that I denied were a problem, it made me go deeper into hiding, denial and secrecy. It’s so good at what it does. I’ve allowed my ego to make me feel judged. So in turn, I’ve judge others. I have made other people’s personal business mine when it’s had absolutely nothing to do with me and despite all the good they’ve done for me.

I have traced back every instance in my life where I have hurt, judged and blamed others, broken promises and played the victim. Without exception in each of these cases, one entity was present – my ego. With this irrefutable evidence, I am clear that my ego is not interested in my happiness.

The ego never goes away. It’s here to stay. To be powerful with it and be your best self, you must be constantly on guard for it. And you need to enroll people in your life to help you stand up to it. Your goals, dreams, happiness, and relationships depend on it.

Here are 4 ways to shutdown your ego so you can be your personal best, live your best life and nurture healthy relationships.

1. Deeply understand that any pain, anger, hurt, disappointment, blame, shame, guilt and victimhood directed toward yourself or others is severely misplaced. This is not what your true self is feeling. It’s the ego telling you that’s what you’re feeling. It’s a distraction from seeing the gift in the person, situation or experience.
2. Embrace the mindset that “things don’t happen to me, they happen for me.”
3. Surround yourself with people who are committed to being their best. This is different from doing their best. The ego will distort the latter into something that is inconsiderate of what you want or how it impacts others. Once you have these powerful people in your circle, give them permission to point out your ego when it shows up. And when they do, your only response is, “Thank you for pointing it out. Thank you for helping me step out of ego and back on my path.”
4. Kill the ego with kindness, love and grace. Give these gifts to yourself and others. The ego is selfish. You weaken it the moment you are in loving service of others and yourself.

The ego is the enemy within and it’s with us to stay. So whenever you feel down, hurt or upset, check to see what is making you feel that way. It’s more than likely your ego. Then remember, no one can make you feel a certain way. It’s just the ego distracting you from being your true self who is full of love and goodness. Be your true self!

Keith